What are Red Flags?

Red flags are warning signs that a potential partner may not be a safe person for you to play with. What is a red flag for one person, may not be a red flag for someone else; to a certain degree what constitutes a red flag can be somewhat personal (Shadowborne, 1999). Most of the list assembled here is concerned with identifying abusive tendencies in a partner.

• Try to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.
• Avoid talking about personal details and/or get mad when you ask or quickly end the conversation or answering questions with questions.
• Have no BDSM references or friends you can talk to.
• Get angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.
• Tell you inconsistent details about themselves.
• Avoid giving you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
• Only communicate with you at strange hours and get mad if you try to contact them at other times.
• Criticize the BDSM community and refuse to participate, especially if they never were part of it.
• Consistently break promises.
• Always find excuses for not meeting real time.

• Always put blame on others for things going wrong.
• Does not take personal responsibility.
• Have bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
• Pressure you into doing things you do not want to do.
• Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
• Push you into a D/s relationship too fast.
• Swear undying love before even meeting you.
• Hide behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.
• Try to make you feel guilty for not being good enough; tells that you are not a "True" sub.
• Lose control of their emotions in arguments and regress to yelling, name-calling and blame.
• Put you down in front of other people.
• Turn instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.
• Treat you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
• Never say "thank you", "excuse me" or "I am sorry" to anyone.
• Lie or withhold information; cheat on you or is overly jealous.
• Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like.
• Try to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
• Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.

• Belittles your ideas.
• Blame you for your hurt feelings.
• Abuse alcohol or other drugs.
• Constantly ask for large amounts of money from you or others.
• Threaten suicide or other forms of self-harm.
• Deliberately say or do things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
• Want control of your money or finances and you are not living together.
• ONLY interact with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role- playing.
• Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
• Never show you their human side, is emotionless, hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.
• Have multiple online identities for interacting within the same communities.
• Disappear from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
• Try to intimidate you, are you afraid of your partner in a real sense outside of a play scenario
• Threaten to leave or abandon you if you do not submit
• Routinely threaten violence for submission outside of your comfort zone
• Give you expensive gifts to gain compliance on something you do not wish to do
• Make you feel unwanted or ugly
• Ever forced intimacy on you against your wishes
• Ignore your needs, including medical treatment, clothing or food
• Question your loyalty
• Ignore or refuse the use of safe words
• Expect complete submission from a stranger
• Have nothing nice to say about previous partners
• Say they will do anything you want without even a first face-to-face meeting
• Get upset with you about wanting to make a safe call on a first meeting
• Insist on a scene on your first meeting

This list is not complete but a starting place; it is some important things to consider when looking for a new play partner. No one has the right to abuse but we must be willing to do what we can to protect ourselves and our loved ones from abusers.

Defend Yourself Against Abuse & Contact Support!

If you are experiencing abuse or some of these red flags look familiar to you, please contact someone for support. There are a number of agencies, online and in your local community, that can help assist you through this difficult situation. Breaking free from abusive situations can be complicate and not an easy thing to do. Don't be afraid, the support is out there. It is also important to remember that BDSM is entirely different from an abusive relationship. Consent makes a world of different and is an important part of real BDSM relationships. If you'd like stay in touch with future articles, please join our mailing list! You can also support new articles coming out by visiting our shop or making a donation to the efforts of this site.