Barriers to Consent

So many people talk about what consent is and how it applies to BDSM but there is a shocking lack of discussion about what that actually looks like. In its simplest form, the conversation goes something like this
Person A: "Do you consent to (insert specific activity)?"
Person B is then given the chance to respond with a "Yes" or "No" or counter propose a variation of the activity or a different activity all together.

Simple, yes? Then why don't more people have this conversation?

Because most people feel awkward about being this direct talking about BDSM or sex. Our society does not encourage us to talk so frankly about sex, never mind the sometimes taboo subject of kink. For those entering the kink scene and still new to many of the different types of conversations that come along with that, talking about consent can feel extra awkward. No one is perfect and everyone who is entering into kink is learning, like everyone else. The kink community is not immune to failing to hold to high standards where consent is concerned. Despite the boasts of most communities, there are some that fail to police their own scenes for safety (Black, 2015). All we can do is be diligent with our own practices and share information on consent with new members in our scene.

Traditional Ideas About Communicating Consent

Mainstream society has long pushed the notion that taking action and anticipating the needs of your partner is the sexiest and best thing that you can do. This belief is part of what makes negotiating or obtaining consent uncomfortable for people. It is not in alignment with their beliefs on what appears desirable for a partner. Mainstream society also pushes the idea that consent should be communicated primarily through non-verbal cues (Jozkowski & Peterson, 2013).

These traditional ideas leave plenty of room for confusion and misinterpretation of that unspoken body language. This is problematic because in the eyes of many, including some legal systems, anytime that choice is an illusion or only passive acceptance occurs it is not seen valid consent (Stitt & Lentz, 1996).

Consent Barriers in Established Relationships

The awkwardness that some people feel about having that conversation is only part of the problem with the real world application of practicing consent. When you have a steady play partner that you have been playing with for a long time this conversation might be neglected. It may just not seem as important over time because the relationship is well established. The thing to remember here is that people change and evolve over time.

For a variety of reasons, people may feel the need or desire to change where their consent boundaries are. This could be a permanent change or simply one for a short time. The reason or time doesn't matter, everyone has the right to withdraw consent. At any time. Period (AdlibStudio, 2011).

Consent in Short Term Interactions

Another area where consent can be neglected is when people play at a community event. Often people will meet others for the first time there and excited to engage and play. Most communities create an environment that feels safe and welcoming. With the excitement and anticipation of play and the safe environment, most people are reluctant to change souring the chance to play with someone new by a lengthy discussion about boundaries.

Some people are also reluctant because they don't want to invest the time into a one off play session. Here non-verbal cues tend to take the lead instead of a verbal conversation. This can lead to dangerous situations, particularly for inexperienced players. Not only are inexperienced players trying to learn and master new skills but they face the added challenge of not knowing someone's range of reactions and emotional responses. Even experienced players can easily misread the signs of their new play partner. It is akin to evaluating the scene more on whether or not it is going well instead of whether or not it is consensual (Barker, 2013).

Break Through Consent Barriers

Consent is an important topic and something we should all be aware of. Don't fall prey to the common barriers to consent. You have a right to consent or withdraw consent at any time. You need to stand up and protect those rights, not only for yourself but for your partner. Know if your partner believes more in the safe, sane, and consensual approach or if they prefer to see it as risk aware consensual kink. Have those discussions about what fetishes and toys might be explored and what kind of ground rules will be in place for their use. Share this article to increase awareness and spark conversation. Also join our mailing list to stay up to date on future articles.