Choosing Attributes: Attitude & Technique
There are different types of dominants and submissives with various attitudes. These attitudes can change the technique or approach to BDSM. This is an important consideration as the approach taken may result in the perfect match or a frustrating experience.
Common Dominant Approaches
Those who take the dominant or top role all have unique styles but there are a few common trends that can be identified as distinct styles of dominance. These styles stretch out on a continuum where the majority of tops fall into the middle. Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny (2011) identified the ends of the dominant continuum as the "parental" and "celebrity" styles of dominance. The parental style is the type of dominant who leaves little choice for the submissive in any situation while the celebrity style expects their submissive to perform by automatically taking care of smaller details and making choices based on their preferences. Kaldera & Tenpenny use the following fantastic example to illustrate these two styles:
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"Two M/s couples walk into a restaurant. (No, this is not the start of a bad joke.) The first couple pull up in a car driven by the master, because the slave isn't allowed to drive, and might not even have been informed of where they were going. After being seated, the master takes both menus and orders for both of them, because the master knows what's best for the slave to eat. The master decides when they are finished, and pays the bill because there's no need for the slave to handle money. The second couple pulls up in a car driven by the slave, who is the chauffeur. While the master make a cell phone call in the parking lot, the slave goes in and gets a table by the window, because that is where the master likes to sit. The slave orders for both of them, because the slave has been briefed in exactly what the master wants, and the idea is to have the favorite meal ready when they come in. The master finishes chatting and comes to the table shortly before the food arrives. After they are finished eating, the master breezes out while the slave calculates the tip and takes care of paying the bill, because the master has better things to do than to be bothered with such annoyances." |
Submissive Approaches
Just as dominants have specific styles, submissives also have different preferences. The submissive continuum ends with reactive vs. immediate service. A submissive interested in immediate service is the type who will only act when given a specific order and will not act beyond the order given. They do not try to anticipate the wishes of their top but will stand to the side, patiently waiting for direct orders. Reactive service, however, is when the submissive carefully observes their top, learns their habits and preferences, and begins to perform tasks in anticipation of their dominant's wishes, desires, and needs (Kaldera & Tenpenny, 2011).
How BDSM Technique Can Impact a Relationship
These attitudes of dominants and submissives will change their approach and technique of BDSM. A good fit here can be as important as a good personality fit. If your prospective partner is not a good match in this area, understanding their motivations will help reduce strain on the relationship and allow you to compromise where necessary for a more fulfilling relationship. The last thing you need to consider is the preferences for the physical type of your partner.
Article References
Brame, D. G. (2000). Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex. New York: Rockefeller Center.
Cherry, K. (2011). What Is Personality?. Retrieved 12 06, 2011, from About.com: http://psychology.about.com/od/overviewofpersonality/a/persondef.htm
Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2003). The New Topping Book. Eugene: Greenery Press.
Kaldera, R., & Tenpenny, J. (2011). Real Service. Hubbardston: Alfred Press.
Rinella, J. (1999). Seeking Partners. Retrieved 11 30, 2011, from Leather N Roses: http://www.leathernroses.com/generalbdsm/rinellaseeking.htm
Salon's Kitty. (2011). Choosing a Mistress. Retrieved 12 03, 2011, from Salon's Kitty: http://salonkittys.com/salonkittys/choosing_a_mistress.shtml
Image References
Someone else's art deserves recognition! The images presented in this article were borrowed from the following places:
Woman Bound: http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/AGWDM-she-barii-3-e1383823213270.jpg