Is BDSM Normal?

How common is kink? This is a common question for those who are just starting out. If you are getting interested in the subject or have a loved one who is, it can be hard to know what to think. When someone first comes into contact with the variety of perspectives that kink can present, it can seem pretty strange. Growing up many people are sheltered from anything that isn't traditional ideas about sex. Even those traditional ideas about sex are withheld from kids until a certain age. All the secrecy leads us to have a certain amount of reservation about exploring the possibilities. Also the way kink is portrayed in the media feeds into the belief that it is abnormal or something to be ashamed of. There are many places still where kink is not considered a topic for polite consideration and brings an embarassed flush to some. But is it really that out of place?

How Can Kink Be Normal?

The real question when considering this is what is normal? What does that actually mean?

Normal is defined as "conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural" (LLC, 2011). A study from the Journal of the American Medical Association in 1999 defined sexual dysfunction as those having difficulty achieving orgasm, achieving sexual arousal, or not wishing to engage in sex regularly. This study showed that 7 out of 20 people would be clinically classified as sexually dysfunctional (Brame, 2000). These results put into stark perspective the use of the term "normal" when applied to interpersonal relationships and sex.

The idea of what is ordinary for sex has also changed dramatically over the last 20 years. Depictions of different sexual preferences and desires, including but not limited to BDSM, has become more of a topic in the media. These discussions have opened the door to increased acceptance of sexual activity outside of the heterosexual traditional ideas. These ideas and discussions have not only increased in popularity but have also moved away from being seen as dangerous and shocking to being considered natural and perfectly healthy (Weiss, 2006).

Diversity Should Be Celebrated, Not Condemned

There is no right and wrong when addressing what someone finds appealing. Our world is diverse and so it should stand to reason that sexual preference and taste should be diverse as well? Society, for the majority of us, has conditioned us to believe that sexual expression that is monogamous, marital, noncommercial, reproductive, heterosexual, relational, homo-generational, at home and without the use of "manufactured objects" is what is considered normal, healthy, and safe (Weiss, 2006). Those who engage in this type of sexual expression are praised and congratulated on their choices despite whether or not they make that person happy.

In contrast, society condemns anyone who engages in sexual activities that are homosexual, promiscuous, unmarried, commercial, nonproductive, alone or in groups, cross-generational, casual, in public or with objects as this type of expression is seen as unnatural and dangerous (Weiss, 2006). We are taught to be ashamed of participating in these types of activities and are encouraged to shame others for doing so as well even if it makes that person happy. This is a ridiculous notion since without diversity, no species could thrive or even survive.

Kink Embraces What is Right for You

A person needs to decide for themselves what is right or wrong. There is nothing to be ashamed about for being attracted to or by something that is not flavored "vanilla". There are important safety considerations and other ethical concerns that must be addressed when choosing this lifestyle but that does not mean that you are a freak for doing so... After all, consider that there would not be such an abundance of toys, porn, tutorials, books, websites, play parties, and groups if there was not a market for it.

Ultimately what is common and comfortable for you will depend on your exposure to the variety of interests and choices out there. If you choose to explore and see what other people are doing, this will become more normal for you.

Connect With Your Local Community

BDSM support, social, and educational groups can be found across Canada, in every US state, and in numerous foreign countries, we are not alone (Kleinplatz, 2006). Your interest in BDSM and kink is a lot more common than mainstream culture would have you believe. Connect with your community, local or online, to share your interests and find people you may wish to play with. If you wish to stay connected with new articles that come from this site, please join our mailing list. You can also support the growth of information and your community by donating to this site or visiting our shop to increase your kinky collection.