How to Approach a Potential Fetish Partner

Now that you have taken some time to consider your own preferences as well as what you are willing to invest in a new BDSM relationship, you can begin to approach perspective partners. As with all potential partners, not all that you approach will be a compatible match or interested in your attentions but do not let this get you down. Finding a new and rewarding BDSM partner can be as delicate as finding a new romantic partner.

Many people have different opinions about the lasting effects of first impressions but in BDSM circles first impressions can have a huge effect on the ease in which you are accepted into those circles. Beginning a new BDSM relationship with someone you have recently met requires a certain leap of faith and trust and many players rely on their instincts and perceptions based on the first impressions they receive. There are definite red flags that should be considered as well as ethics to ensure a safe choice but aside from those things what counts toward a good impression?

Allena Gabosch (2012), a Switch with over 20 years of community kink wise experience and 40 years of experience in BDSM, states that an important first step to approaching a new partner is to be yourself; do not engage in posturing or act like BDSM is the only feature of your personality. Be self aware, willing to laugh at yourself, willing to listen, and negotiate play (Ambrosio, 2006). Respect is also a huge contributor to successfully approaching a new partner. Despite whatever kinks or fantasies you or someone else may have, respect should always be extended. With respect there should also be honesty about your intentions and desires. HypnoMasterDino (2012), a Top with over 20 years of experience in the scene, points out that in a D/s relationship your partner will eventually find out everything about you so it is best to put all your cards on the table so that an informed decision can be made about the potential for compatibility.

Another thing to keep in mind is labeling. In this type of lifestyle where there is so much room for self expression and development many people do not like to be given a specific label such as Top, Bottom, etc, especially if that label is wrong. When approaching a new potential partner, drop your assumptions about who you think they are or want them to be and allow them to communicate that to you themselves. If you are curious, ask politely (Gabosch, 2012).

Arrogance and self-importance can be quite off-putting and can stop a potential relationship dead in its tracks (HypnoMasterDino, 2012). You should also avoid engaging someone in a type of BDSM interaction without their permission. Do not assume to top them during your initial conversation or address them as Mistress/Master without permission. You should not be issuing orders or offering up your complete service before establishing outlines with this person (Gabosch, 2012). Engaging in such actions is failing to obtain consent from the person and this is not ethical, attractive, or trust-building. Conversely, a lack of self esteem can be as off-putting as arrogance. SatansMaster (2012), a Dom with over 30 years of kink experience, finds that low self esteem entices potential partners to say whatever they think will make a partner happy and be neglectful in mentioning what they need or want even to a personal detriment.

So now that you have some ideas about what attitudes should be employed and avoided, what types of things should you find out about as well as tell your potential partner? More information is always better to impart than less information but a few things that should be considered in conversation include medical conditions, medications, kink interests, fantasies, level of experience and what types of things would like to be explored (SatansMaster, 2012). Communication about personal character and determination of trustworthiness is also an important area of conversation (HypnoMasterDino, 2012) as well as play limitations (Gabosch, 2012).

Remember that some things can be an instant halt to any relationship, a "deal-breaker". This range from player to player but an extremely common deal-breaker is dishonesty. If you are dishonest it damages the trust a potential partner may have for you and given the degree of risk and requirement of trust that comes along with various kink activities, dishonesty can and will be a red flag to walk away (Gabosch, 2012). The idea of dishonesty extends to misrepresenting yourself or your desires (HypnoMasterDino, 2012). Another common red flag is players who are not concerned with their own safety or profess to have no limits, particularly when beginning a new BDSM relationship (SatansMaster, 2012).

If you do decide to move ahead and set up a play session with this person, it is always better to err on the side of caution the first few sessions and set high play boundaries. This can help build trust while increasing your comfort level with your new partner. It also allows for a safe way to explore pain tolerances and mental boundaries so that there are no unwanted injuries, physical, mental, or emotional that you and your new play partner are not prepared to address (SatansMaster, 2012).