How to Get or Give BDSM Consent

Most people agree that consent is important but a lot of people are stumped on what to say when asked how they recommend giving or getting consent. Some believe that consent is and should be implied but this can be a slippery slope. If you rely only on implied consent, there is room for those implications to be misinterpreted. Just because consent is given for a kissing, does not mean that consent is given for moving to the next step (Summer Wellness Programs, 2013).

Importance of Verbal Consent in BDSM

Having an actual verbal discussion about kink with a partner it is pretty important because when it comes to BDSM and kink activities, going with implied consent drives the risk of violating consent right up. Not everyone reacts to pain the same. What may be a genuine stop reaction for one person can be an expression of surrender and enjoyment for someone else. If you want to respect boundaries in kink, having open communications about what those boundaries are is far more successful with verbal communication.

If you never talk about what you are willing to consent to, or ask where their consent boundaries are, it can be easy to overstep the comfort the level and push someone to an unwanted experience. You cannot count on someone being able to read your mind anymore than you should assume you can correctly read the mind of others. Do not take the risk of getting put, or putting someone else, into a bad space. Show respect to yourself and your partner and talk about it.

Another reason you may wish to emphasize a verbal conversation about boundaries is because if you rely on non-verbal cues you may miss out on an experience that you both would have excitedly consented to.

Navigating Consent Conversations for Short Term Partners

If you are out at a play party and connecting with someone to play that you are just meeting or do not know well you may wish to engage in a shorter conversation about boundaries and consent. Some people are impatient to play and if this is a one-time interaction which may never repeat, many people are tempted not to spoil the mood of the moment with a lengthy conversation. This is a common barrier for consent conversations. The key thing to remember here is that this conversation should not be mood spoiling. It should demonstrate that you care about the well being of your partner as well as yourself.

It is important to take this moment, even if it is brief. You will wish to establish a few key things.

• What is the safeword?
• Do they prefer the framework of safe, sane, and consensual? Or risk, aware, consensual kink?
• Is anyone involved under the influence of any drugs or alcohol?
• Out of the toys available for this session, what are they open to using? To what extent?
• Is there any particular words or language that is triggering and should be avoided?
• Are there any current injuries or pre-existing medical conditions that could impact the play sessions?
• Is sexual activity welcome in this scene? To what extent?
• What kind of aftercare do they prefer?

This can be a fairly quick conversation that occurs with this prospective play partner. If you encounter someone who is extremely resistant to discussing these basic things before playing, you may wish to reconsider if this person is someone safe and ethical to play with.

If you are inexperienced and new to BDSM, don't feel awkward if you are not sure how to have this conversation. Start with straightforward questions if you are not sure how to phrase them. As you talk more about it, you will find what works for you. You can try role playing with a friend before going out to a party. You may also wish to practice what types of answers you would give to these questions. Even if you are inexperienced, you can still take some time to consider what you think you might be interested in and what you might like to try with a potential partner. Having an idea can be a huge help in finding a play partner.

Navigating Consent Conversations for Longer Term Relationships

Consent is equally important for those who intend on playing with the same person repeatedly. This conversation should be more in depth and cover more areas. It doesn't have to happen all at one time, you can space out the conversation. This will give you both time to consider your answers and what things you might be willing to negotiate on.

A good place to start is to go through a Yes, No, and Maybe checklist with your partner. This is a list of fetishes, kinks, interests where you decide Yes, No or Maybe for each activity. Some lists will have you rate from one to five your interest in the activity. You may also wish to indicate if you have tried the activity before or if you have any other thoughts or things you want your partner to know about that activity. If this is your first time doing this activity, you may wish to review the list alone to have time to decide. Then you and your partner can set some time to discuss the list.

Once these general guidelines are established the important thing to remember that consent to different activities may change over time. This conversation should be revisited periodically. You and your partner may wish to revisit the whole checklist or you may also just wish to keep the conversation casual and only discuss what's been on your mind.

The other thing to keep in mind is that depending on a variety of life factors, such as mood or stress, what activities you or your partner wishes to consent to in the short term may fluctuate. This is why it is important to have an established safeword.

Consent During a BDSM Scene

So you've set the stage for your scene with a solid conversation about consent. How do you ensure that you have continued consent during your scene?

Keeping a keen awareness of your partner's state and responses. Are they responding positively to your attention? How someone responds in a play situation or under certain stimuli will vary greatly, this is why it's important to discuss this prior to play. Keep what your partner said in mind and watch out for the use of the safeword.

You can also do a verbal check in with your partner. This can be as simple as leaning over to whisper, "How are you doing?". A verbal check in does not have to disrupt the mood of the scene. Depending on the type of scene you are engaged in, this can actually enhance your scene.

If you are building a scene that is focused around humiliation where stepping out of character may be disruptive, work the question into the language used in your scene. If you find this does not work, talk with your partner about a phrasing that will work or perhaps a visual cue. This can be a gesture or action the submissive performs to demonstrate that they are still enjoying the scene. If the action or gesture is not performed at the consent check, then the scene is brought to a close.

Practice Makes Perfect

The best way to get over any awkwardness you may feel about talking frankly about consent is to engage in those conversations. Be sure that you are getting consent from your partner and be clear about when you are giving consent and what you are consenting to. Encourage others to be open in their communication about it. Don't just talk about the importance of consent, act like it is important. Share this article with others to spread the word. Join the Keeping it Kinky mailing list to stay up to date on new and important articles! Also visit our store to add to your kinky collection today.

Tweet