Safeword Controversies

There are a number of reasons why the subject of safewords can be a hot button issue in the community. The majority of people feel more comfortable having a safety system in place but those who argue it isn't necessary usually bring up the following points.

Long Established Play Partners

Partners who have played together for a long time are likely to become sensitive to each other’s moods and physical reactions, reducing the need to use safewords over time (BitchMedia, 2013). This has created the impression that this is an advanced level of BDSM for highly experienced players. It is true that experienced players are less likely to need safewords but that does not mean that they should not be established. Establishing a safe word does not mean that you do not trust your partner (Hunter, 2001). Safewords can reinforce the idea that your partner can engage in withdrawing their consent and that it will be respected.

Safewords Can Be Ignored

The safeword can be ignored. There have been reports on occasions where safewords were negotiated and agreed upon and then when the scene was unfolding, the safeword was disregarded (Clark-Flory, 2012). Sadly real abuse does exist in the world and the nature of BDSM can leave members of the community exposed to real predators. Everyone who engages in BDSM needs to be aware of the dangers of playing with someone who is unethical and what red flags to look for. To help avoid dangerous situations such as this it can be beneficial to get connected with your local community in order to build stronger safe guards against these predators. You can also be careful in how you select a good play partner. Respecting consent is an important part of any interaction. The fact that safewords can be ignored has more to do with the integrity of a person than flaws in the system. Any safety system is ineffective if people don't use it.

Legal Recognition of Consent

Legal authorities may not consider the safeword as a sign of withdrawn consent (lunaKM, 2009). In cases where charges are laid and a case goes to court, there could be a chance that the legal system will ask if the word "no" was used and fail to acknowledge the importance or significance of the safeword system. Participants should be aware of the laws around BDSM where they live as this will impact the outcomes of such proceedings. The very point that safewords are meant to be negotiated prior to beginning a scene makes consent a very clear line; when a the word is called, any continuation of play is non-consenting. Thanks to the growth of interest, research, and awareness of BDSM there is a growing academic base of knowledge that could be used to present to legal authorities on this matter.

Reluctance to Use Them

A bottom may be reluctant to use a safeword because they will feel inadequate (Hunter, 2001). Everyone wants scenes to be an enjoyable and rewarding experience that leaves their partner well pleased and so some have had some apprehension about using a safeword because it could spoil the moment. A partner who is unwilling or unable to communicate their needs, particularly in situations that could lead to damage, erodes the trust of their partner and will undermine the long term relationship. If you are in a scene and fail to give the signal to stop when it was needed, your partner may feel uncomfortable increasing the intensity in any future scenes.

Safewords: As Good As Your Trust Foundation

One of the participants may not realize the play has gone too far. Part of the appeal of BDSM for some is that it can take you out of your everyday mindset into an altered state of being; this is often referred to as "Dom space" or "sub space". In this state of mind, a top or bottom may not realize that the scene has gotten too intense for themselves or their partner as they could be swept up in the moment (Will, 2013). Some scenes can also progress quite organically and previously discussed barriers could be passed without intention due to the magic of the moment. For example, one participant may have a condition of no heavy bruising but in an intense scene may enthusiastically give the go ahead for play that would result in the breaking of this condition. As with other aspects of safewords, their usefulness is only as good as the trust you have in your play partner. A good conversation about boundaries and hard limits prior to play is always a good course of action and a trust worthy play partner should be able to keep their head if you are unable to keep yours. If you and your partner both become lost in the moment and play goes too far, a good discussion is needed to define what went wrong and what measures should be taken to prevent any unpleasant reoccurrences. Share this article on social media and join our mailing list to stay up to date on new articles! Visit our shop or find out how you can support the growth of Keeping it Kinky.