Using Your Safeword

The safeword establishes a bond of trust between two people and because it affects the safety of all those involved, it should be taken seriously; it is the stopping point and your partner must be able to trust that you will use it appropriately (lunaKM, 2009). Bearing in mind that you should not be calling a safeword needlessly, it is important that you feel comfortable using it. It is also important to remember that while these words are typically used by the bottom in a scene, they are there for the use of the top as well. Often a top will not need to speak the specific signifier, but merely choose to end the scene. Be respectful of that choice.

When Your Partner Uses the Safeword

So if you are into your scene and your partner calls the safety word, the most important thing to do is to stop immediately. As hard as it may be, it is important to take that step out of the scene for the safety of your partner (A Submissive's Journey, 2013). All BDSM equipment should be removed and set aside and this is an excellent time to begin after care. Remember that your partner may be feeling strong emotions that could include, but may not be limited to: anxiety, fear, uncertainty, shame, discomfort, or sad. Provide support to your partner but if they do not feel open to talking do not force the subject right there, there will be time to discuss it later when they are feeling emotionally grounded.

If you try to force a conversation about what went wrong too early you may run the risk of sending the message that you are more concerned about the scene and your spoiled experience than their wellbeing or it may discourage them from using the safeword in the future. Take care of their immediate needs and do not neglect your after care. It can be common to feel confused, upset, or frustrated if your partner calls the safeword, particularly if you are new to topping and just gaining your confidence. Remember not to take it personally. Pain is a uniquely personal experience influenced by many factors. Stay calm and remember to take care of your partner, they need you.

If You Call a Safeword

Presuming you are playing with an ethical or familiar partner, there can be a variety of reasons why you may feel the need to use your safeword within a scene. If that need does arise, call your signal to end the scene and give a moment for your partner to comprehend it. If the scene has high intensity and your partner is strongly into the head space of the moment, it may take an instant for them to understand you wish to exit the situation and act accordingly.

Once you and your partner have exited the play scene do what you need to bring yourself back to a happy equilibrium but be sure to communicate those needs to your partner. Remember that this is probably an emotionally stressful moment for your partner as well. They will be concerned for you and could feel anxious that they have done something horribly wrong. Once you feel grounded, discuss what went wrong for you and communicate anything that you think will help avoid such situations in the future. If you have negative feedback to give, try to remember the key concepts for giving constructive criticism.

Author’s Note

I felt that this topic was fairly important and have seen many people falter in situations where safewords were actually employed. I was surprised when I went to do the research on the subject that there was a gap in literature around the emotional impact and aftermath of using safewords. Most of the literature stops at "stop the scene and get your partner out of the restraints". If anyone has come across any literature that could be referenced for this article, I would be happy to see it and can be sent to me @ AskMe@keepingitkinky.net. I will update and better reference this article as opportunity arises.

Please also see our other articles on this topic

• Choose Your Safeword
• Safeword Controversies