Forming a New BDSM Relationship in Sobriety

There is a huge sub-sector of the BDSM community who identify as being clean and kinky, meaning that they don’t consume drugs or alcohol (Bussel, 2013). However, what if you have previously been addicted to these substances and are now attempting to form your first BDSM relationship in sobriety? Forming a new BDSM relationship when you are in recovery from an addiction (either to drugs or to alcohol) adds a new and complicated dimension to that relationship. It is important to ensure that you are in a healthy headspace, and that your mental health is strong before you embark on any new relationship in recovery, and this is particularly true if that relationship contains a BDSM element.

So complex is that relationship between BDSM and sobriety that BDSM Educator Mollena Williams established her own BDSM-centric 12 step programme called 'Safeword' to help kink-identified individuals to develop their own sobriety and overcome addiction whilst sharing the fellowship of their unique interests (Williams, 2016). This is because many conventional 12 step programmes and therapists seek to combine a problem with addiction with an interest in BSDM (implying one is determined by the other) when in fact one is an unhealthy habit that can be life threatening, and the other is healthy interest, when shared and enjoyed in the right context.

Sobriety Only? No Place for Alcohol Consumption

It is widely acknowledged that there is no place for excessive alcohol consumption during BDSM play. Whether you choose to use the acronym Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) or Safe Sane Consensual (SSC), these terms are often considered to be interchangeable, one of the main elements of safe BDSM practice is that you are in a sane frame of mind, meaning that you are not impaired by alcohol or any other substance that could affect your ability to make important safety decisions, both for yourself and for your partner. (Kink Weekly, 2016) The safety of both partners is integral to maintaining a healthy and positive BSDM relationship, which is what everyone playing within the field of BDSM should be aiming for as their minimal benchmark. Therefore if you are very new to recovery, and your sobriety is not yet fully established, conventional wisdom would recommend that you do not form a new relationship (be that a BDSM relationship or otherwise) until you feel that you are fully able to maintain that sobriety, and the safety of your partner can be assured.

Most play parties and group play arenas will refuse access to individuals who attempt to arrive intoxicated, and whilst many anecdotal evidence and experience tells as that drugs and alcohol is present at many play parties, this is not something that is endorsed or encouraged by the wider BDSM community (Bussel, 2013). The issue of physical safety is key here (after all, who wants a drunk to be responsible for flogging you or tying you up), but actually it goes beyond simply an issue of physical safety.

How Do You Know When You’re Ready?

If your issues associated with alcoholism are now firmly in the past, and your commitment to continued sobriety is assured then you may well feel ready to form a new physical and emotional attachment. It is essential that you learn to have fun without drugs or alcohol being integral to that fun and, for many people who have struggled with addiction for a long time, which can mean learning how to be kinky again. You may well feel like you are new to the BDSM world as you rediscover what you like and don’t like through the fresh eyes of sobriety. This could put a new dynamic on an existing relationship, and can also make it difficult to know when you’re ready to form a new relationship, and what kind of relationship you’re hoping to form.

The fact is that when alcohol dependence and excessive alcohol consumption are a factor, there is no such thing as a healthy BDSM relationship, so it may well even be that you have never had a healthy BDSM relationship in the past and that you have nothing to model new relationship behaviours on. It’s like you’re starting from scratch. The best advice then, is to take things slowly: build boundaries, talk frankly at every step of the way, and ensure that you are ready to form a new and healthy relationship within the confines of your newfound sobriety that moves at a pace both partners are truly comfortable with.

Knowing Yourself & Building Strong Connections

All new relationships come with certain challenges. If you are in recovery, it is important to be patient with yourself and do what is best for your sobriety. It's also important to know what you're looking for in a BDSM relationship. Take your time and don't rush things. Learn more about yourself and your interests. If you'd like to know more about this topic, join our mailing list and never miss new articles. You can also contribute to the development of new information by donating or visiting our shop.